So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
