I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she peed on how many people?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
