You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
