I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
