I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
