i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
