I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
someone owes me an orgasm
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
