somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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