Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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