I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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