weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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