I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
