you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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