What did we do last night that was yellow?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
