I am in a vortex of obligation.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
