Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
