she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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