Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
