he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
