OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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