I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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