Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
