Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just pee around me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
