oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
