i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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