Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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