I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
