Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
