dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
