Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my shit smells like andre
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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