You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm too high and old for this...
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