u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
