my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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