i think my tv is drunk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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