I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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