Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
