I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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