Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
