You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
