I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
