Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
OPIZZABONMYDICK
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize