she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
