I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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