I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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