why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
