The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
