MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just found a bag of teeth...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
