So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
