Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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