Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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